I Love Haiku, Episode 1

Have I found the key?

Or more empty promises?

Only time will tell…

So…  my last post was about my first experience with meditation.  Since then, I’ve gone to another group session, and have now meditated solo twice, yesterday and today.  Tonight’s session was actually pretty good, too; nearly five minutes!  Not bad for a beginner, right?

Anyway, I’m noticing changes in my attitude and emotional state already, and I’m wondering – is it real?  Or is it the placebo effect that hits me every time I try something new?  Sometimes I REALLY hate being a skeptic…

As an example – today I ate less because I wasn’t feeling down on myself, I was significantly less perturbed by drivers doing under the speed limit in the fast lane (it’s going to take some time to beat that one though!), and I complimented three of my coworkers!

I can only hope that I’ve finally found the path I need to follow – and I’m going to do my best to open myself to the magic.

A Different Destination… For Now…

A couple of days ago, I had the good fortune to participate in a group meditation and discussion on a book called Falling Into Grace, by Adyashanti.  The topics that we read and discussed that evening really hit home yesterday, when I received a rather vitriolic note from one of the family members I cut myself off from earlier this year.  Between these two events, I made a profound discovery that brought to light some of the fundamental issues I’m having with getting healthy.

Like many others out there who have difficulty in improving their physical health, I suffer from low self-esteem that has spiraled into a continuous cycle of self-sabotage.  I’ve been told so many times, by people that mattered to me, that I was not and never would be “good enough” – I didn’t deserve to be happy in any way, shape, or form.

This went on for most of my life, right up into this past year, when I finally broke off contact with my family.  Even beyond that, I felt that I had done wrong in taking such a drastic step.

That is, until I walked into a room with a small group of strangers, and felt complete acceptance, entirely without condemnation.  It was then that I started to feel that perhaps I was not the awful person I have come to believe that I am.

This feeling was so strong that it carried over to help me get past my relative’s nasty note without as much drama as it might have a month ago.  I was able to regard it much more rationally, without tears and anger.

I now believe that I need to focus on a journey toward spiritual health before I can truly undertake to develop a healthy lifestyle – I need to learn that I deserve to be my best, regardless of what anyone, including me, might say or think.

To that end, I’m going to take some time away from the hard-and-fast eating and exercise goals to work on my self-image.  If I can start to get away from the negative picture I have of myself, I’m much more likely to be able to bring to life the positive picture of what I want to be.

#plankaday Puzzle Challenge!

Yesterday, I started #plankaday.  I managed a pathetic 15-second plank yesterday, and a laughable 21.7 seconds today.  My core is as strong as overcooked pasta right now!

Anyway, I’ve decided to throw out a fun puzzle challenge in order to keep me on track, and to have a little fun with it…

Each day, I’ll incorporate a piece of the puzzle into my #plankaday tweet.  Today’s and yesterday’s tweets include puzzle pieces, too, so I’ll add them to the end of this post for those who may have missed them.  The last puzzle piece will be tweeted on December 28th.

As soon as you think you have the correct solution to the puzzle, DM it to me on Twitter (I’m @way2wild there), or email it to wide2wyld@gmail.com.  I’ll draw one name from all correct responses received by midnight Pacific on New Years Eve to receive a prize of some sort – not sure what yet though (I’m open to suggestions, as long as they’re not too outrageous!)…  Oh, if anyone knows a good site that I can use to randomly select a winner, that would be awesome, too!

Oh, you can also get bonus entries – if you participate in #plankaday, your correct solution will get you two entries!  Comments on my blog, starting with this post, will also garner extra entries with a correct puzzle solution.

By the way, this is the first time I’ve ever held a contest like this – I might have missed a key point somewhere.  If you have questions or suggestions, please don’t hesitate to let me know!

Now, for those two #plankaday tweets that have already gone out:

December 2nd, 2011 - Today's #plankaday letter is P! For the preposterously pathetic plank performed! A whole 15 seconds...

December 3rd, 2011 - Today's #plankaday letter is L! For the latently laughable plank a little longer than yesterday's! Made 21.7 seconds today...

Thanks for playing!

Today I Am Thankful…

… for a relatively healthy body that, despite years of abuse, is responding to my attempt to improve it and make it stronger.  Though my bones and muscles may protest after a particularly hard effort, they always carry me through everything I ask of them.

… for the world’s most awesome husband, who loves me despite my flaws.  He would go to the ends of the world to make me happy.  Oh, he does the dishes and laundry too!

… for the unconditional love in my dog’s eyes when she sees me.  Even on my blackest days, I can find peace in the feel of her soft coat under my fingers.

… for my home, my job, and the ability to eat as healthily as I choose, in a time when so many are lacking one or more of these.

… for friends, either local or online, who have confidence in me even when I do not.

… for the online communities I’ve become a part of in the past year – the health and fitness bloggers and tweeps…  Brad Gansberg’s #7daychip and #5kin100days families… Robby’s #gothedist group…  They are there when I need help regaining my focus, without pushing too hard in the times when I need to lose myself for a bit.  They inspire me to try things I thought were out of reach for many years, and they don’t condemn when I fall short of my goals.

Thank you.

Black (Mood) Friday

Over the past few years, or maybe longer, the Friday after Thanksgiving has been referred to as “Black Friday” because that’s the day that can make or break a retail operation’s sales revenue for the year.  This year, the big thing is to start the Black Friday sales in advance of the actual day.  Let me tell ya – I could teach them a thing or two about getting an early start on the holidays…

It’s been a long time since I felt celebratory by the time Turkey Day rolls around – that’s about the time I start to think about how little I’ve accomplished toward my goals for the year.  This year is promising to be a real winner, due to some pretty significant emotional upheavals on the family front, and some pretty stressful incidents at work, too.

I’ve suspected that it was creeping up on me for a couple of weeks now – my enthusiasm about getting moving and sticking to my plan has been waning, along with making time for me…  And it’s starting up the vicious cycle all over again.

I’m going to do my best to beat the holiday blues, but I know I have a tough road ahead…  If you have any tips for staying strong into the New Year, I’d surely appreciate if you would pass them along…

Day 2–Long, But Good…

I left home for work today just before 8 am, and got home a bit after 9 pm.  Of course, part of that was my wonderful weekly yoga class, which allowed me to relax after the last rough couple of weeks, but also seemed to energize me quite nicely.

I really do need to start practicing more frequently!

Day 1–Back To Square 1

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but it’s been a rough couple of weeks.

I let work rule my life, and I’ve paid the price in poor sleep, unhealthy eating, and next to no activity – all of which resulted in several steps in the wrong direction with regard to my healthy living goals.

That all changes, starting today.

Tracking my food, drinking my water, moving my body, and getting enough rest are back in the forefront, along with some other changes I’ve been thinking about – more to come on those another time.

At this point in time, I’m wholly committed to making positive changes in my life.  I know that, in the days, weeks, and months ahead, there will be times when that commitment may waver – I know that, in order to get through those times, I will need help from my support circles on Facebook, Twitter, and through this blog.  I also know that, in order to get this help and support, I have to ask for it.

Asking for help is not something that has ever come easily to me – I know that I’m a stubborn, self-reliant, and independent idiot in many areas of my life.  It’s going to be hard for me to change this, but I’m going to try.

I also need to learn to stop making excuses – no one really wants to hear why I blew it; they just want to know that I’m going to accept that I made a mistake and move on.  Suffice to say that I am the only one I can blame for my situation, because I’m the one that’s made the decisions.  I’m the ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE IT BETTER.  Whether that involves changing habits, seeking professional help, or just staying on the same course, it’s my choice, so there isn’t any sense in saying, it happened because…

In the coming days, I’m going to put everything down on paper – my goals, why I want them, and how I’ll reward myself for achieving them.

And, above all, I’m going to try to stay positive – I CAN DO IT THIS TIME!