A couple of days ago, I had the good fortune to participate in a group meditation and discussion on a book called Falling Into Grace, by Adyashanti. The topics that we read and discussed that evening really hit home yesterday, when I received a rather vitriolic note from one of the family members I cut myself off from earlier this year. Between these two events, I made a profound discovery that brought to light some of the fundamental issues I’m having with getting healthy.
Like many others out there who have difficulty in improving their physical health, I suffer from low self-esteem that has spiraled into a continuous cycle of self-sabotage. I’ve been told so many times, by people that mattered to me, that I was not and never would be “good enough” – I didn’t deserve to be happy in any way, shape, or form.
This went on for most of my life, right up into this past year, when I finally broke off contact with my family. Even beyond that, I felt that I had done wrong in taking such a drastic step.
That is, until I walked into a room with a small group of strangers, and felt complete acceptance, entirely without condemnation. It was then that I started to feel that perhaps I was not the awful person I have come to believe that I am.
This feeling was so strong that it carried over to help me get past my relative’s nasty note without as much drama as it might have a month ago. I was able to regard it much more rationally, without tears and anger.
I now believe that I need to focus on a journey toward spiritual health before I can truly undertake to develop a healthy lifestyle – I need to learn that I deserve to be my best, regardless of what anyone, including me, might say or think.
To that end, I’m going to take some time away from the hard-and-fast eating and exercise goals to work on my self-image. If I can start to get away from the negative picture I have of myself, I’m much more likely to be able to bring to life the positive picture of what I want to be.