I don't want my pain erased. As wretched as it is, I need my pain. It makes me who I am.
- From the January 22nd, 2012, episode of “Once Upon A Time”
So far, 2012 has not been kind. On the 4th of January, I was involved in a car accident that left me sore and stressed over the possibly permanent loss of our primary commuter car. It was over a week later that we finally found out that the at-fault insurance company was going to cover the repairs instead of having it written off.
The following Monday, I went in for my first-ever colonoscopy – oh, joy of joys! For those that have experienced this, you know what I mean, and for those that have not; the prep is WAY worse than the procedure itself. Anyway, the pure liquid diet required for the day preceding the procedure threw my eating plans out of whack, and I was totally starving afterward, and went off the deep end trying to make up for it.
Then, on the 16th, I went in to have a tooth extracted – this sort of limited my dining options for a few days, and, again, my brain took over, and told me I needed to make up for it by eating not-so-well for the next week.
Finally, my husband’s birthday was this week, so we went out for dinner – once again, the dining choice was less than optimal.
Of course, there was also a significant amount of stress involved in these events – I’m sure that this fueled the fire of my lack of food control. I’ve identified that I am prone to unhealthy eating as a ‘reward’ for the unhappy events in my life.
Anyway, a couple of months ago, I made plans to attend a geocaching event over in Reno. The event was held this last Saturday night, and was quite enjoyable. We headed out Friday morning, having taken the day off work, and got to our hotel at about 3 pm. We spent that evening just vegging out and relaxing. Saturday, before the event, we took Harley out to a dog park so that she could get in some off-leash time. She didn’t seem too interested, so we decided to try for a couple of nearby geocaches. This didn’t last too long, though, as it was quite cold and windy in advance of the arrival of the first significant winter storm of the year. Still, it was a nice afternoon – we didn’t have anything scheduled or planned, and we just played it by ear. I went to the event that evening, and sampled many tasty dishes at the event, which was a potluck, without worrying about the results. Sunday morning, we slept as late as checkout time allowed, and made it over the Donner Summit just in time to beat the chain controls.
All in all, it was a quite enjoyable weekend, and I now realize that this is the first REAL vacation that we’ve taken since our first anniversary – every trip since then has involved either work or parents (which are typically NOT real vacations, right?). We’ve taken lazy weekends at home from time to time, but being at home always raises that thought that there is something that needs doing, particularly when you’re in the process of remodeling. It was really good to get away from everything, including the house, for a little while, even if just for a couple of days
I finished off the weekend with a really nice session with my Sunday ladies’ meditation group, and then a nice soak in the bath. At this point, I’m feeling more relaxed, happy, and positive than I have since New Years’ Day.
I have now realized the importance of REAL downtime – where you’re not looking around worrying about what you SHOULD be doing. Being in an environment where you don’t HAVE to do anything is truly cleansing – good for my emotional and mental health, and, in the long run, for my physical health. I’m going to do my best to ensure this happens more often than every five years.
I started the new year with high hopes, and the seeds of my plan for healthy changes. The first three days went beautifully – I was quite happy with them.
On Wednesday and Thursday, I fell off the wagon after a car accident. Thursday was also the day that the gastroenterologist set me up for my first-ever colonoscopy (oh, yay, right?). I would get to spend half of my weekend on a clear-liquid-only diet. My brain told me a better stock up on a few (OK, maybe more than a few) extra calories, so I went a bit nuts from Thursday and Friday.
Surprisingly, though, what I’m thinking most frequently right now is that I can’t wait to get back on track with eating and working out. Just a year ago, this all would have become nothing more than an excuse to go on a binge until the first of the next month. Not this time, though – I am more than ready to return to my commitment to me.
All in all, I am feeling pretty good about things right now, despite the setbacks. I’m not letting myself be overwhelmed – I am making progress!
I was really looking forward to a good walk with the pup this evening, and then some yoga, and a #5kin100days session tomorrow…
Then I got rear-ended on the way home from work. At least the car appears driveable (I was able to make it home after dealing with CHP and the requisite information swap), but I am making some rather disconcerting crunching noises now. I’m going to hit Urgent Care in the morning, after another previously-scheduled medical appointement.
I’ve been a passenger in a vehicle that was hit from behind – the next day AIN’T fun. And this guy hit me pretty hard…
Anyway, my workout plans are now tabled until I find out why I’m sounding like Rice Crispies…
So… Where do I want to end up on this journey? What are my goals?
Well, for starters, I’ve come to realize that my goals need to encompass every aspect of my life – mind, body, and spirit. Up until recently, I’ve only been focusing on one of those parts. This time out, my goal is to be healthy in all three of them.
How will I get there? I do have a framework for my plan that I’m sure I’ll be fleshing out over the next while, as I find out what works, and what doesn’t.
I have recently begun to understand that I must start to build my spiritual and mental health in order to be successful in gaining physical health. To that end, I plan to meditate for at least five minutes each day, and incorporate some sort of spiritual reading into my daily routine. I meditated for the first time two weeks before Christmas, and again the following Sunday, and started including a few minutes every day – not a very long time, but I’m already seeing some significant positive changes in my outlook on life and my attitude toward myself and others. I’m much less stressed (even my husband agrees!), and more at peace with myself and my world than I have been since I don’t know when. I’m finally learning that I don’t need the approval of anyone, including myself, to find happiness – I only have to look inward to find it.
Now – on to the physical aspect of health, and my plan to get there… As of today, I have 80 pounds to lose. I’d like to get there by the end of this year, but I’m not a failure if I don’t. As long as I am at a lower weight than I am today when the calendar turns again, I’ll be OK. “Fail” is a four-letter word from here on out!
I’m coming back to my Twitter communities, too – #7daychip and #5kin100days (thanks, Brad Gansberg!) and #gothedist (thanks, Fat Girl vs. World!). I’m also logging my food on MyFitnessPal religiously, keeping up with the training plans on my Fitbit program, and sharing my workouts and meditation sessions via DailyMile and Insight Connect.
OK, enough psychobabble for tonight – more to come tomorrow!
Well, hello, 2012, it’s great to see you! I think I’ve been waiting for you for a long time… Or maybe I’ve just been waiting for me to be ready to welcome you with the right attitude!
Today I will take the time to set down my goals for our time together, and build a plan for reaching those goals – I’ll be sharing those goals and plan with my friends in the blogosphere later today.
I know that there will be days when my confidence and determination will be tested, and I know that I’m also part of several great and truly supportive communities that I can count on for empathy and encouragement to help me get through the tough times. For these good friends, I am ever thankful.
I’m learning to let go of thoughts and ideas that can impede or interrupt the journey I’m on, to find new ways to minimize the potential obstacles – I’m no longer searching for my “happy place” outside of myself, because I know I’m already there, if I just look inward and find the center.
2012, I know that you’re going to be my best year yet!