So Maybe I’m Not Ready For Running…

… but I’m definitely gonna work on it!

I tried a 5K training program on my treadmill tonight (after TOO many days off…).  Max speed was supposed to be 4.4 mph, but I just couldn’t do it – shins got really sore when I tried.to go that fast.  From a bit of research online, it looks like this is most likely due to weakness in my feet and ankles.  I have to imagine that this could be my issue, since I’ve really not been consistent with my workouts so far…

The good news is that it can be fixed!  I just need to work on strengthening those parts of my body, by gradually building up my speed and distance, and probably doing some calf raises on my steps won’t hurt, either…

The bad news?  I’m going to have to rethink my goals for upcoming races a bit – I wanted to run at least PART of Bay to Breakers, and was hoping to do my scheduled 5K in June at least at a slow jog.  The plan now is to do B2B in a bit over 2 hours, and do the 5K in under an hour.  Right now, my “comfort pace” is right around 3 mph.

Oh!!!!  That reminds me – I need to send my 3-month-old Garmin Forerunner in for repair – the stinking backlight quit working!  At least I have not yet sold my old 305 – I can use it while I’m waiting to get the other one back…

Anyway…  my physical well-being is NOT a race – I can slow down if necessary!  And I will….

Tummy Trouble…

Today’s plan was for a day of active rest, but the plan got derailed by unexpected intestinal difficulties.  However, I am (for a change) going to look at the bright side of it all…

1)  I got in several extra trips up the stairs when it was time to get reacquainted with my bathroom.

2)  I drank LOTS of water in alleviating my dehydration.

3)  My calorie intake was reduced by about 500 calories on the day, due to my lack of desire for food.

4)  I’ll actually get to bed at a reasonable hour tonight, and be rested and ready for an active day tomorrow!

What Are My Goals?

1)  To be fit enough to get scuba-certified – I love being underwater, but am currently limited to snorkeling and snuba.  My dream is to night-dive with the mantas off of Kona.

2)  To fit comfortably into my size-10 leather pants – I’ve never worn them!

3)  To be able to buy and fit into Victoria’s Secret underwear – now THERE’s something that is good for one’s self-esteem!

4)  To RUN – not walk, not shuffle, not jog – a 5K, 10K, half, full….  Humanity’s closest thing to flight.

5)  To try surfing – right now, at this size, my balance sucks!

6)  To find something good about myself…  Other than my brain, that is, because that’s become something that benefits others more than myself.

7)  To be happy…

Back To Basics, Back In The Game…

So, yeah, I lost my focus again…  I guess I tried to push it a bit too hard, because I’ve been caught up in a vortex of self-doubt and –deprecation for over a week now.

One of the greatest obstacles I face is a serious case of low self-esteem.  This is an issue that has plagued me since childhood, and is most likely the biggest component of my depressive disorder.  My failure to keep up with the rigorous program I had undertaken sent me into a downward spiral that was tough to get out of.

I now recognize that this has to be my first consideration in my quest for a healthy life – my emotional fitness has to come first, else there is no hope of ever achieving physical fitness (my mental fitness is beyond help, but that’s another story…  )

Anyway, another fitblogger I follow, Fit and Free Emily (http://www.fitandfreeemily.com/), tweeted today that she is starting over on her 100 Day Chip Quest (details here…), and I replied that I would join her.  So, here goes…

My first goal is to let go of guilt over food.  If I should happen to slip up, either deliberately or accidentally, I will not condemn myself, as this tends to send my eating out of control.  Life is not gonna stop if I have an extra bit of chocolate, right?  Why should I let it make me lose sight of what I want to do?

I have started tracking my food again, and will continue to do so…  Not going to worry if I go over my limit, though…  They’re just guidelines anyway, right?

As an adjunct, I’m going to try to be more active every day, and not condemn myself for skipping a workout…  I’m also not going to let the scale rule me – I’ll look at the numbers, but do my best not to let them bother me!

So ends Day 1 of my quest…

My Get-Up-And-Go Got Up And Went Somewhere Without Me…

Today was a nice day – got out of the house, and did some geocaching…  A gorgeous day for a drive through the hills of North Livermore.

Then I got home…  I started thinking about work, and how I really should be doing some, since the client has fewer staff using the systems at night on a weekend.  Did I manage it?  Uh, not even close – I didn’t even manage to get some things done that needed to be done for me.

I have absolutely no energy right now…  I know it’s a symptom of my disease, and I’m under treatment, but sometimes that treatment seems to fall short.  Enthusiasm for life wanes, and I just find I want to veg out on the couch.  Heck, I barely even feel like I have the mental fortitude to write here.

I could just go to bed…  But, I know from experience, that this won’t address the issue – I’ll lie awake for hours when I feel like this, with thoughts of absolutely no consequence rushing through my brain.

I’m working on finding an answer, but it’s a long slow process – I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but, in the meantime, I have to find my way in the dark.  It’s not going to be easy…

Even Fat Girls Get The Blues…

It’s been a rough week…

Warning:  It’s about to get rather gloomy here…

Do you ever feel that maybe your efforts to achieve a goal, whether it’s weight loss, professional development, or even just a clean house, are just not worth it?  I feel that way pretty regularly…

Over the last few days, I’ve been having a really tough time feeling enthusiastic about my efforts to shrink…  I feel like I’m starring in one of those commercials for antidepressants, where they show sad people being droopy…  That’s definitely me right now.

Yeah, they say that a good workout is one of the best antidepressants, but how do I motivate myself to get started?  It’s a vicious circle…

I wish I could find the key to getting out of this mood…  Haven’t been this close to a black hole in some time.  My love and my furry girl are the rocks that I cling to right now.  Fortunately, I’m not one to physically punish myself; I simply sink deep into lethargy.

It hurts, and I want it to stop…  I want to feel better, so that I can get back to the changes in me that I want to see.